I mentioned that my pregnancy hasn’t been what many envision, when women picture getting pregnant. Although I say this, I am aware that there is no perfect pregnancy or right way to be pregnant. For starters, I am currently twenty one years old, by the time my son is a few weeks old, I will be twenty two. Being so young, the energy is there but there are several other factors that come in which make things difficult.
First, I’ve had a rollercoaster relationship with my child’s father. Sometimes we get along, other days I am sure that we will never, ever work out. This all started when we found out we were expecting. The assumption was that I would go through with an abortion and let him choose for me. It wasn’t an easy time for me. I had to juggle with two decisions. Should I keep this baby? Or should I go with this procedure? I only had a bit of time to decide. That time pressure made things worse, and our arguments were terrible. I broke down repeatedly when he called me foul names and told me he would move to another country if I went through with the pregnancy. I listened to him glamourize what our future could look like together if I didn’t have the baby. I couldn’t contain this for longer, I felt weak and exhausted from the first trimester. I opened up to my family and received the most loving support I could ever ask for. They told me that this was my decision, but they wanted me to make the decision that felt right in my heart.
Being so young and still getting to know myself, listening to my heart wasn’t exactly easy. I kept thinking about what my life would be life if I chose to have a baby. I thought about everything I would have to give up. I remembered a dream I had before I found out I was pregnant..It was a faint dream in which I had delivered a beautiful little boy with chubster cheeks who looked into my soul as I carried him. I’m not sure what this next part meant, but I intuitvely thought, Gabriel. I woke up with an overwhelming amount of butterflies in my tummy and I dismissed the dream. I later thought about the dream as I waited for my menstrual cycle to come by. After a week of waiting for my cycle which was always punctual, my partner and I picked up a pregnancy test.
I still vividly remember that moment. He insisted on going into the bathroom with me and I kept thinking that we would just toss the negative result into the trash. I was in for a surprise. Upon reading my positive test result, I made sure I was reading the positive sign correctly. My boyfriend kept asking me what it was. This can’t be true, I said. He told me to take another, and as I once again got another positive, I became overwhelmed with emotions. I felt suffocated in that small bathroom with him, facing such a big matter. I ran to open the door and walk out, but he reached out and blocked me from leaving. He hugged me and I broke down crying into his chest and told him this couldn’t be happening.
He was very supportive of my emotions at that time. He later on expressed that we were not ready and that we schedule an appointment for an abortion. It really broke my heart in two, but it was something I contemplated. A decision that big is not always easy, and my feelings were involved. Over the next few days, I expressed my doubts about an abortion and that is when things went wrong with us.
I experienced his wrath. His threats to sign papers to give his rights up. His cruel mother and family insisiting that I have an abortion. They told me that they would want nothing to do with my child if I kept it. It was difficult to deal with all those new emotions that arised. On the bright side, I was reassured by my family that I had their love and support. If it wasn’t for them, I am not sure how things would be at this moment.
In the end, I chose to keep this baby. I realized two things: the people who really cared, and the people who told you they cared, but they really did not. I experienced the hatred of people who disagreed with me for going through with this. My child’s father moved to a different country in order to finish his education without any distractions. He has since reached out and tried to make things work for the past few months, but I am not sure when he will be sweet or downright cruel. He still holds this decision against me, yet he says he loves us. I’ve grown tired of waiting for him to come around, and I am ready to face things alone if I have to. I did end up finding out I was having a baby boy. Something I knew all along! I’ve grown to love him in more ways than I could imagine, especially every time I dream about him or I read him a children’s story while hes moving around in my tummy. I know what matters and what does not. I have learned a lot about myself and I have also found the people that truly care.
Yes I have many anxieties about the future. The stability, the drama that will possibly come, etc. But, I am remaining strong and connected to my son and I. I believe that we will get through the road bumps, and with hard work, strength, and courage we will overcome any obstacle.