The possibility of being a young, single mom.

I mentioned that my pregnancy hasn’t been what many envision, when women picture getting pregnant. Although I say this, I am aware that there is no perfect pregnancy or right way to be pregnant. For starters, I am currently twenty one years old, by the time my son is a few weeks old, I will be twenty two. Being so young, the energy is there but there are several other factors that come in which make things difficult.

First, I’ve had a rollercoaster relationship with my child’s father. Sometimes we get along, other days I am sure that we will never, ever work out. This all started when we found out we were expecting. The assumption was that I would go through with an abortion and let him choose for me. It wasn’t an easy time for me. I had to juggle with two decisions. Should I keep this baby? Or should I go with this procedure? I only had a bit of time to decide. That time pressure made things worse, and our arguments were terrible. I broke down repeatedly when he called me foul names and told me he would move to another country if I went through with the pregnancy. I listened to him glamourize what our future could look like together if I didn’t have the baby. I couldn’t contain this for longer, I felt weak and exhausted from the first trimester. I opened up to my family and received the most loving support I could ever ask for. They told me that this was my decision, but they wanted me to make the decision that felt right in my heart.

Being so young and still getting to know myself, listening to my heart wasn’t exactly easy. I kept thinking about what my life would be life if I chose to have a baby. I thought about everything I would have to give up. I remembered a dream I had before I found out I was pregnant..It was a faint dream in which I had delivered a beautiful little boy with chubster cheeks who looked into my soul as I carried him. I’m not sure what this next part meant, but I intuitvely thought, Gabriel. I woke up with an overwhelming amount of butterflies in my tummy and I dismissed the dream. I later thought about the dream as I waited for my menstrual cycle to come by. After a week of waiting for my cycle which was always punctual, my partner and I picked up a pregnancy test.

I still vividly remember that moment. He insisted on going into the bathroom with me and I kept thinking that we would just toss the negative result into the trash. I was in for a surprise. Upon reading my positive test result, I made sure I was reading the positive sign correctly. My boyfriend kept asking me what it was. This can’t be true, I said. He told me to take another, and as I once again got another positive, I became overwhelmed with emotions. I felt suffocated in that small bathroom with him, facing such a big matter. I ran to open the door and walk out, but he reached out and blocked me from leaving. He hugged me and I broke down crying into his chest and told him this couldn’t be happening.

He was very supportive of my emotions at that time. He later on expressed that we were not ready and that we schedule an appointment for an abortion. It really broke my heart in two, but it was something I contemplated. A decision that big is not always easy, and my feelings were involved. Over the next few days,  I expressed my doubts about an abortion and that is when things went wrong with us.

I experienced his wrath. His threats to sign papers to give his rights up. His cruel mother and family insisiting that I have an abortion. They told me that they would want nothing to do with my child if I kept it. It was difficult to deal with all those new emotions that arised. On the bright side, I was reassured by my family that I had their love and support. If it wasn’t for them, I am not sure how things would be at this moment.

In the end, I chose to keep this baby. I realized two things: the people who really cared, and the people who told you they cared, but they really did not. I experienced the hatred of people who disagreed with me for going through with this. My child’s father moved to a different country in order to finish his education without any distractions. He has since reached out and tried to make things work for the past few months, but I am not sure when he will be sweet or downright cruel. He still holds this decision against me, yet he says he loves us. I’ve grown tired of waiting for him to come around, and I am ready to face things alone if I have to. I did end up finding out I was having a baby boy. Something I knew all along! I’ve grown to love him in more ways than I could imagine, especially every time I dream about him or I read him a children’s story while hes moving around in my tummy. I know what matters and what does not. I have learned a lot about myself and I have also found the people that truly care.

Yes I have many anxieties about the future. The stability, the drama that will possibly come, etc. But, I am remaining strong and connected to my son and I. I believe that we will get through the road bumps, and with hard work, strength, and courage we will overcome any obstacle.



June reading list

Now that it is summer and finals are finally over (whew!), I have more time to escape into the world of books! I have always been in love with books and I secretly admit that I am a book hoarder. Tomorrow I will donate/sell so many books that have been taking up space in the library shelves. The library will now become my little bun’s nursery, so I have to transfer the books I want to keep onto a bookshelf to my bedroom. I am looking forward to posting the end product of the nursery, as well as my new book display!

I love books so much. I want to read an endless list of books and write tons of reviews, but the way my life will be in a few weeks..not so sure! Between school and a newborn, I will do my best to make some time to pick up a book and just escape. I am going to make the most of this time before the baby comes and read as much as I can! So far I have begun this month reading Isabel Allende’s novels which I dearly enjoy reading! Her novels have made me want to travel to South America, indulge in cooking/baking, and read more spanish literature. I will definitely be adding some other great latin authors to my book future book lists.

June Reads

Daughter of FortuneOrphaned at birth, Eliza Sommers is raised in the British colony of Valparaíso, Chile, by the well-intentioned Victorian spinster Miss Rose and her more rigid brother Jeremy. Just as she meets and falls in love with the wildly inappropriate Joaquín Andieta, a lowly clerk who works for Jeremy, gold is discovered in the hills of northern California. By 1849, Chileans of every stripe have fallen prey to feverish dreams of wealth. Joaquín takes off for San Francisco to seek his fortune, and Eliza, pregnant with his child, decides to follow him.
Portrait in Sepia- In nineteenth-century Chile, Aurora del Valle suffers a brutal trauma that erases all recollections of the first five years of her life. Raised by her regal and ambitious grandmother Paulina del Valle, Aurora grows up in a privileged environment but is tormented by horrible nightmares. When she is forced to recognize her betrayal at the hands of the man she loves, and to cope with the resulting solitude, she explores the mystery of her past.

I am going to make more selections to add to my reading list. I look forward to writing reviews and enjoying all these novels this month. Hopefully I can read at least five novels this month!



Transitioning into a mama

I cannot believe my time to be a mommy is in 7 weeks! A part of me is excited to meet this little man whom I will look after for the rest of my life and another part of me is very nervous and anxious. I’m not sure if mothers have ever felt the need to control everything around them, out of fear that they won’t be good enough for their children or do a good job of raising a good man/woman. I just want to do my best to raise a happy, healthy, and whole human being.

These past 8 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. I am definitely not the girl I used to be and my priorities have definitely changed. So many of the close people around me have told me that I have turned into an old lady (LOL). Not quite, but I feel so many changes happening within me and I believe it is truly a miraculous experience. I see things from a different perspective now and although it has not been easy transition, it is one I am truly grateful for.

Aside from the internal changes, all these physical changes have been taking place. From the leakage of milk from my nipples, to the little stretch marks on my belly, I have witnessed my body transform. I’ve cried a few times..It isn’t exactly easy to look at a picture of yourself, about 20 pounds heavier than you once used to be. Perhaps if I was older, I would have gotten the whole body image issue out the way, but it’s still there a bit because I am surrounded by all these other young ladies who have great bodies in their 20s! Gradually I have come to accept that I am a woman and I am creating a little human being. He is certainly worth all the stretch marks, pounds, and bodily discomforts of pregnancy! I look forward to starting up my ardent fitness journey with my son, which was something I was into before I got pregnant.

But being fit is far from it at this moment..I am getting to this stage where I feel very uncomfortable. The fact that it is summer does not help at all. On the bright side, I have been swimming so much and enjoying the sun kiss my skin. I always think of the future moments when I will take my little Ari bun to swim, teaching him to trust and confide in the water and watching his chunky little arms and feet maneuver around the water. Although I am excited and anxious to meet him, I have so many things I have to do and prepare for! I am fine waiting for him..breathlessness and all. I will be working on the nursery and cleaning out all the clutter to have this precious bundle of joy in a cozy environment with some good feng shui.